Eric Spitznagel has written for Playboy, Esquire, Spy, Harper's, Blender, McSweeney's, and Salon.com. But much to his mother's chagrin, he has also written screenplays for adult movies as well as a memoir about his flirtation with the biz called Fast Forward. His latest brush with adult stardom came as the ghost-writer for Ron Jeremy's autobiography. XFANZ tracked him down for some good questions and some very, very stupid ones.

As much as you can -- dish. I'd love to get some advance highlights of what's in the book, especially the events from Ron's life that you found the most interesting or surprising.
I'll just say this: If you enjoy stories involving hookers and Charlie Sheen, you won't be disappointed.

What was it like working with Ron?
I could sit and listen to Ron talk about his life for days. He's like a walking encyclopedia of porn history. He's been in the business since the late 70s, so he's literally seen and done it all. At this point, I think the only thing left for him is to have sex on the moon. That's it. When he does a gang-bang in zero gravity, his resume will finally be complete. I felt more like a student than his collaborator. When we'd get together to work on the book, I'd just keep my trap shut and let him do most of the talking. This guy has so many stories, and they'd come tumbling out of him in no particular order. He'd go from telling me about partying with Slash in Hollywood to shooting pornos in Lake Mead while being chased by vice cops to cavorting at the Plato's Retreat sex club in Manhattan. I'd just stare at him, slack-jawed, and wonder how he wasn't dead yet. Seriously, how does one man experience so much and not get a coronary?

What is the atomic weight of lead?
207.2 Amu.

Ron said that he did some extensive rewrites on your work. Is that true? If it is true, how do you feel about that?
I really wouldn't call it "my" work. It's Ron's book, and it's about Ron's life. I just helped him flesh out his stories and put them into some kind of narrative order. Ron may not be a writer, but he's a natural storyteller. I certainly wasn't offended when he wanted to rewrite some of my original draft. He was a first-hand witness to everything that happened in this book, so he was probably a little better at getting the details right. Nobody knows more about Ron Jeremy than Ron Jeremy.

Tell me how you made the jump from moonlighting as a adult screenwriter to a leading biographer for the adult industry?
It was just a lucky coincidence. I didn't start writing porn screenplays hoping that it would lead to a gig as Ron Jeremy's ghostwriter. It just kinda happened that way. But publishing two books about porn in less than a year does set up a disturbing precedent. I seem poised to become the Truman Capote of adult films, don't I? I'm hoping that my next book has absolutely nothing to do with porn. I'll probably try to write about babies or puppies.

Did you get any "fringe benefits" from working on this biography? (Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.)
I wish. Working with Ron didn't do a damn thing for my sex life. Ron was very serious about this book, and whenever we'd get together, it was all business. He never invited over a few blondes for inspiration. I'm probably the only guy in the western hemisphere who has spent more than five minutes with Ron without being involved in a carnal decathlon. I'm happily married, so it's probably for the best that I was never tempted. There's a comic named Jim Norton who was once involved in a spontaneous three-way with Ron, and he summed it up perfectly. "It's almost like the Pope saying, 'Look, I'm doing Mass, could you help?'" How do you say no to an offer like that?

What was the awesomest part of the book to write?
I loved writing about Ron's directing career, particularly during the 80s when he was doing a lot of "one-day wonders." Ron had a knack for making quickie pornos with very little budget or pre-production. He'd bring his cast and crew into the Nevada desert and they'd just make up the plot as they went along, sometimes shooting three or four different films in a single afternoon. My personal favorite is Space Vixens, a spoof of Planet of the Apes that's probably the most unintentionally funny porn flick of all time. Ron, at least during his heyday as a director, was the porno equivalent of Ed Wood. Some of his films were so unabashedly bad -- so incredibly cheap and ill-conceived -- that you couldn't help but love them.

If aliens discovered the manuscript to this book 1,000 years in the future, will they think that Ron was a demigod of his time?
Just the opposite. He doesn't come across as a demigod, just a very, very lucky guy. Ron is like the Zelig of adult films. He was always in the right place at the right time. He was directly involved in or on the periphery of every major event in porn over the last 30 years, from the Golden Age during the 70s to Hal Freeman "anti-pandering" crackdowns of the 80s to the "celebrity porn" fads of the 90s. But he never comes across as somebody who carefully plotted his career. He was just an actor looking for work, and he grabbed every opportunity that came his way. He's a surprisingly sweet and gentle-hearted guy who just so happened to make his living having sex with thousands of women. He really is porn's Everyman -- albeit an Everyman with elephantitis of the genitals.

What's your adult star name? (Middle name, Name of first street lived on.)
Freckles Madison. And let's face it, nobody is gonna hire a porn star who calls himself Freckles. When I first told my parents that I was writing about porn, my mom was a little concerned that I might end up performing in these films. She thought that after writing a few scripts or becoming too friendly with Ron, I might somehow get coaxed into dropping my pants and joining the action. I tried to assure her that she had nothing to worry about, but there's just no nice way of telling your mom that you have a small penis.

Does adult entertainment have a legitimate place in a moral, upright society?
I think so. A society needs its villains to keep the moral high-ground. The Ron Jeremys of the world help the Christian right feel unjustly superior. Personally, I think porn is harmless. As research for this book, I've watched hundreds of porn films. I've seen Ron involved in every sort of sex act imaginable, and I don't feel in any way corrupted by the experience. Watching a Ron Jeremy film does not make somebody a degenerate sex fiend. If anything, it just reminds us that shaving your back is a good idea.

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