Penny Flame Unleashed: 2
Sunday, April 8, 2007

Adult star Penny flame came onboard as an XFANZ contributor recently. In her first extended article, she expounded on classical philosophy and literature. Now she delves into unfamiliar territory: herself.
I am an escape artist.

Some people call it procrastination. Some people would like to call it running away. Some people even have the gall to call it suppression of emotions, or worse yet, repressed emotions, which is actually the same thing, but it sounds much worse with the prefix re-).

I simply refer to myself as an escape artist. Kind of like David Blaine, but sexier. Every day I do something that allows me to avoid thinking about something else, and that something else is -- well, I'm honestly not quite sure.

But there is obviously something down there, deep in my little porn-drenched heart, which is causing me to go to such lengths in order to repress, and no, it isn't the fact that I occasionally sell my sex and body for money. That's in the job description, and if you don't get understand that immediately, it's going to be hard to get up in the morning.

But is that what I’m repressing? Are we talking old-fashioned "world's oldest profession" shame here? Or does every starlet in Porn Valley and Hollywood sell their emotions and eye contact for a paycheck?

No, that can't be what I'm repressing. Maybe I'm upset over my parents' divorce 10 years ago. No, it can't be that either, because it was the best move my mom ever made, and poor dad, well, he's kind of a dick.

Oh, oh oh! Could I have a daddy issue? Nah, it can't be that either -- I have a stepfather that filled the paternal role wonderfully, respectfully, and responsibly. What in the world could I be repressing?

And speaking of repression: Do you want to know something funny? I have this conversation in my head three times a day, and I never get anywhere. Do I need therapy? No. Do I need a caring ear to listen? Fuckin' Christ, I have millions of sympathetic ears thanks to the Internet. No, I firmly believe that once whatever I am repressing is ready to tumble out, it will, kind of like the slippery slope fallacy. Once I start to figure out one issue, the next will roll out, followed by the next and the next after that.

This is all fine logic except for the fact that my first premise, whatever it is, is usually unsubstantiated.

Henry Miller claims that "To shed the first layer is painful beyond words; the next layer is less painful, the next still less, until finally the pain becomes pleasurable, more and more pleasurable, a delight, an ecstasy" (231).

Just like when I was ready to step up my porn career by taking dick, I did.

And heck, maybe next I will do boy/boy/girl, and then boy/boy/boy/girl and then an 84-man bukakke scene, and hey, why not just stick it in my ass right now? I shed that first innocent layer that had been concealing my womanhood, and I've been shedding layers of my soul and personality over the past six years that I have been in this industry.

Yes, six years and I still say, "In due time, my friends, in due time." Meanwhile, I would like to thank you for helping me on my way to a successful and well-read column for XFANZ.

And by well-read, I'm not implying that I'm a talented writer, or even literate. I am simply saying that with this closing sentence, you have read my column well.

Because Lord knows, I am a very complicated woman.

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